I Asked My Imaginary 4-Year-Old Son To Name Some British Politicians

My 4-year-old son, Chunce, doesn’t know anything about politics or politicians. He’s a bloody idiot. So I showed him some pictures of British politicians and asked him what he thought they were called in the hope that it would go viral and I would become famous.


jan13-theresa-may

Barbara


boris-thumbs-up 

Silly Jolly Poopoohead


102203377_liam-fox-news-large_transpivx42josuakz0be9ijungh28zinhzwg9svuzlxrn1u 

The Blue One. Blue…blue poop. Ha ha. Poo-poo. 


phil_1783078b 

Slant Man. All his faces are moving.


BRITAIN-SCOTLAND-POLITICS-VOTE-SNP 

Disco Mildred


jeremy-hunt 

Mister Zip with the Tiny Tiny Winker


19382_jeremy-corbyn-eyes-victory 

Grandpa Bin. He has no shoes.


owen-smith-688792 

Angry Owl who is bullied


Demotix 31/01/2015 

The Mean Lady In Sainsburys


nigelfarage 

Adult Hitler

11 New Ways To Refer To So-Called Islamic State And Make Them Less Intimidating

*From the Office of Theresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom*

***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE AND DISTRIBUTION***

FAO: “The Media”

Terrorism feeds on terror. Terrorists literally eat your terror.  This Government believes that the first step in defeating terrible terrorists and their terrorism is to make them sound less terribly terrifying. From this date onwards, all media is required to use terms only from the list below to refer to the so-called “So-Called Islamic State”. United, we can undermine these terrorismists and embarrass them into so-called inaction.

1. The Bum Fart Bum-Bum Fartypants Crew

2. Crumpetsniffers Anonymous

3. Those Silly Bastards

4. Tinywillies 4 Justice

5. They Who Secretly Wear Their Wives’ Pants

6. Jerry and the Pacemakers

7. The Liberal Democrats

8. Ooojabooboo Hadooojaboo-Booboos

9. Big Bouncy Boobies

10. Mother Theresa

11. Terry

 

***END OF MESSAGE***

13 Proverbs For My Dad’s Dog

A poo in the newly-built utility room is worth two in the bush.

Out of sight. Out of mind. Out of that bin you little bastard.

The Devil finds work for my Dad’s dog’s anus.

Cold hands, warm plastic bag of dog poo.

What doesn’t kill a dog makes him stronger, apart from that bus.

A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but sniffs your ass.

You’ve shat in your bed, now you must lie in it.

Behind every great man stands a dog, licking its nuts.

Life begins at 280.

You are what you eat so my Dad’s dog is four cow pats.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with my Dad’s dog being sick in the boot.

You can lead a dog to the vet, but you can’t make the vet put him down even if you bribe him.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Let the dog break wind under the dinner table and he’ll never eat again.

5 Food Allergies To Tell Everyone You Have So You Can Get Attention

Gluten

The gateway allergen for attention-seekers. Initially, yes you’ll feel special; but soon it just won’t be enough. It’ll seem everyone is gluten intolerant and you’ll need to add a more niche allergy to your repertoire to get that attention you deserve.

Example cry for attention: “Those avocado sandwiches are so super-cute I’m going to sit alone and weep into my amaranth and sorghum muesli. Gluten killed my father.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Wheat and related grains. Also any carbohydrate, because you don’t understand what gluten is and basically carbohydrates make you die quicker, right?

Useful in an argument: Hitler ate gluten.

 

Lutein

The best thing about a “lutein allergy” is that it sounds a bit like a “gluten allergy” and people will mishear you. This gives you the opportunity to correct them and talk at length about your struggle. Better still, lutein is in peas, and everyone likes peas – apart from you.

Example cry for attention: “Believe me, Emily, I’d love a kale smoothie. But you certainly wouldn’t love me farting my way through this pilates class. Lutein killed my father.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Kale, spinach, chard, watercress, sprouts – things incredibly good for the average person, which acutely intensifies the injustice of you missing out.

Useful in an argument: Sharks don’t eat lutein and they are immortal.

 

Cheese or Something

Wait – what’s this stringy stuff? What’s this gooey, leaking mass? What’s this flaky white shit with dark bits in it? Oh, that’s cheese or something and you’ve just made this dinner party all about you. Here, let me pour you another glass of the low-sulphite wine you brought with you. Tell me about how hard it is to find.

Example cry for attention: “If I eat this hempseed lasagne I’ll get bloated and have to cancel my acupuncture appointment. Also cheese reminds me of my very dead father.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Cheese. Something. Anything that looks, feels, smells or tastes a bit like cheese. Thick yoghurts. Off milk. Uplifting music. Toenails.

Useful in an argument: In 2016, you’re more likely to be killed by cheese than a terrorist.

 

DNA

DNA? More like IBS, am I right, ladies? FYI, DNA may be the building blocks of life, but it’s also building a blockage in your colon, FFS. DNA actually stands for Do Not Aet (“aet” being the Middle English spelling of “eat”. WTF Chaucer? LOL.

Example cry for attention: “Guys, hold the cupcake still! This electron microscope is really HEAVY! NUCLEIC ACIDS KILLED MY DAD GOD DAMMIT.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Anything that has at any point been alive or is a by-product of a living thing. Literally everything apart from salt.

Useful in an argument: People messed with DNA in Jurassic Park, and look what happened there.

The Higgs Boson

Look, you need to see a doctor.

 

9 Ways To Make Charity About You

Croctober

35% of children in Malawi don’t even know what a hair-dryer is. 90% complain of unsatisfactory shine and bounce. So lose those shoes and spend October wearing Crocs! Tag your selfies #foamclogproblems to let everyone know the sacrifice you’re making for those little Africans or whatever.

 

Nomenber

Men. They’re just shit women! So make your voice heard against sexism and enjoy 30 consecutive days of not speaking to men. Speaking about men is permitted and encouraged, especially if emphasising how awful they are.

 

Oartumn™

Think having smallpox is tough? Then maybe you should carry a 3.6 metre carbon-fibre Olympic oar around with you for 3 months. If your Facebook friends need to know one thing this autumn, it’s that you know the physical and social struggle of having a disease that over 7 billion people worldwide haven’t contracted since 1977. Be oar-some. Be Oartumn™.

 

Cheat Day

9 in 10 dolphins that swallow an illegally-discarded microwave will die within 3 days. We believe this is unacceptable. Show you respect the dolphins by disrespecting your partner every day this month. Each time you cheat is not only lots of fun, but also saves the equivalent of 3000 tins of tuna.

 

Deadcember 

98% of all people alive today will die. If you’re reading this, chances are you will too. This Deadcember, make yourself seem like a great person by broadcasting just how passionate you are about the ultimate terminal illness: “death”. This November 30th, simply fake your own death and spend the next month dead. Extra points for faux funerals.

 

Novennber™

Some babies are ugly. Some babies are sick. Some babies are so ugly they’re sickening. Can you go a whole month refusing to draw or interpret any Venn diagrams?

 

Indian Summ-R

13 in 170% of statistics don’t make sense. Stop that for good by dedicating the middle two weeks of September to building a train network across an oppressed tropical country.

 

Cryathlon

Face it, your life is terrible and you’re never going to be happy or remembered. Cry every day for a month.

 

Eggquinox

Steal an egg from a wild bird’s nest and incubate it inside yourself (you choose the hole) between the 19th and 23rd of September. Doesn’t matter why, what or who for. Just do it and tell people. You’re a saint.

17 Rejected Buzzfeed Articles

31 Times Vishnu Made You Be All Like “Whaaaaaat?”

28 Urinary Tract Infections You Didn’t Know Existed

Watch These South Korean Girls Try North Korean Snacks For the First Time

101 Dalmatians Who Can’t Even

21 Signs Your Much Older Brother Might Actually Be Your Dad

13 People Who Fell To Their Deaths Off A Boat

42 Kids Who Will Be Sexy When Older

19 Reasons We Wish Heath Ledger Wasn’t Dead

11 Threats To Tweet At Female Celebrities

Tweens React to Plantagenet Torture Instruments

26 Times You Laughed At A Cosby Show Episode And Felt Guilty About It

19 Non-Hibernating Land Mammals That Are Taller Than Taylor Swift

23 Vegetables That Look Like Dicks

23 Dicks That Look Like Vegetables

Horses Using VR For The First Time

17 Times Killer Whales Were Proper Assholes

9 Reasons Your Parents’ Divorce Was Actually Your Fault

Millennial Workout Plan

Are you a Millennial? Are you looking to get buff? Like srslyBUFF?  Then do this everyday for 2 weeks or something. #liftingislit

WARM UP

  • Toss vape flavoured bubble tea in bin
  • Take picture of self
  • Take picture of self
  • Accidentally take video of self
  • Begin listening to Drake Bae & F¥I Wokechainz remix of “We be cool (frontin)”
  • Snapchat picture of self with Viking horn-helmet / cat face

 

ARMS

  • Pokémon Press                                     3 x 10
  • Take picture of self
  • Alternating Can’t Evens                    3 x 8
  • Lack of Concentration Curls             1 x zOMG look at that cloud!
  • Take picture of cloud (#nofilter)

 

LEGS

  • Heavy overshares                                 3 x 12
  • Poo-Emoji squats                                 3 x 20
  • Get anxiety
  • Vlog about anxiety                                2 x 5 minutes

 

CHEST

  • Behind-the-neck Sexts                      2 x 20
  • Pronated Sexts                                       3 x 15
  • Incline Sexts                                           4 x 10
  • Take picture of self

 

SHOULDERS

  • Shrugs                                                       Every minute on the minute for 12 hours
  • Deep sighs                                                2 x 6

 

BACK

  • meh

 

WARM DOWN

  • Take picture of self
  • Wear ironic nostalgic t-shirt
  • Netflix

 

NUTRITION

2 hotdogs, cooked in an old oil drum in a warehouse by a white man with dreadlocks.