1. Have A Baby
Congratulations! After 9 months of telling everyone about it, you’ve finally become an arsehole. Sure, I’d love to see a picture of your baby sitting in a cooking pot. Yeah, and one of your baby wearing a new hat. And look, a different hat! I hate you.
2. Start Training For A Marathon
What’s more gruelling than a marathon? Me having to hear about your training for the next 3 months. I will sponsor you, but I do hate you.
3. Write Something Political
Whether I agree with what you’re saying is immaterial. I hate you and will never stop from this day forward. I hate you so much.
1 photo of your holiday is enough to make me envious. 87 photos a day “not a bad view to wake up to” for the next 6 months is too much. Don’t fall off that moped now. I hate you.
5. Invite All Of Your Friends To An Event
So you’ve opened a coffee shop in Barnsley? That’s interesting because I’ve been living in London for the last 9 years, you arsehole. I’m not coming and I hate you. I hope someone gets scalded.
6. Invite Me To A Game
I hate you. Why? Because you’ve just bought 13 Crystal Cows for your imaginary Gem Farm. If you are just hanging about waiting to die, please do it quietly.
7. Share Anything About The Old Days Being Better
Wasn’t it great when chocolate bars were bigger? Remember when we didn’t have to wear bike helmets? It’s health and safety gone mad! Didn’t work out so well with asbestos, though, did it, you arsehole? What hasn’t changed since the 90s is how much I hate you.
8. Post An Attention Seeking Status
“OMG…worst day ever!!!” Well, I have bad news for you: you’re an arsehole and I hate you. I genuinely hope I’ve made your day worse. Crying emoji.
9. Share An Inspirational Quote And Picture
I hate you so much I am being sick. A huge, glistening waterfall of sick with big white writing in it.
10. Post A Picture Of Some Food
You bought it. You ate it. It was for you. You also took a picture of it because you’re a massive arsehole. I hate you.
11. Put Up A Post About How To Get People To Unfollow You On Facebook
I hate you.