5 Food Allergies To Tell Everyone You Have So You Can Get Attention

Gluten

The gateway allergen for attention-seekers. Initially, yes you’ll feel special; but soon it just won’t be enough. It’ll seem everyone is gluten intolerant and you’ll need to add a more niche allergy to your repertoire to get that attention you deserve.

Example cry for attention: “Those avocado sandwiches are so super-cute I’m going to sit alone and weep into my amaranth and sorghum muesli. Gluten killed my father.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Wheat and related grains. Also any carbohydrate, because you don’t understand what gluten is and basically carbohydrates make you die quicker, right?

Useful in an argument: Hitler ate gluten.

 

Lutein

The best thing about a “lutein allergy” is that it sounds a bit like a “gluten allergy” and people will mishear you. This gives you the opportunity to correct them and talk at length about your struggle. Better still, lutein is in peas, and everyone likes peas – apart from you.

Example cry for attention: “Believe me, Emily, I’d love a kale smoothie. But you certainly wouldn’t love me farting my way through this pilates class. Lutein killed my father.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Kale, spinach, chard, watercress, sprouts – things incredibly good for the average person, which acutely intensifies the injustice of you missing out.

Useful in an argument: Sharks don’t eat lutein and they are immortal.

 

Cheese or Something

Wait – what’s this stringy stuff? What’s this gooey, leaking mass? What’s this flaky white shit with dark bits in it? Oh, that’s cheese or something and you’ve just made this dinner party all about you. Here, let me pour you another glass of the low-sulphite wine you brought with you. Tell me about how hard it is to find.

Example cry for attention: “If I eat this hempseed lasagne I’ll get bloated and have to cancel my acupuncture appointment. Also cheese reminds me of my very dead father.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Cheese. Something. Anything that looks, feels, smells or tastes a bit like cheese. Thick yoghurts. Off milk. Uplifting music. Toenails.

Useful in an argument: In 2016, you’re more likely to be killed by cheese than a terrorist.

 

DNA

DNA? More like IBS, am I right, ladies? FYI, DNA may be the building blocks of life, but it’s also building a blockage in your colon, FFS. DNA actually stands for Do Not Aet (“aet” being the Middle English spelling of “eat”. WTF Chaucer? LOL.

Example cry for attention: “Guys, hold the cupcake still! This electron microscope is really HEAVY! NUCLEIC ACIDS KILLED MY DAD GOD DAMMIT.”

Foods you can avoid eating: Anything that has at any point been alive or is a by-product of a living thing. Literally everything apart from salt.

Useful in an argument: People messed with DNA in Jurassic Park, and look what happened there.

The Higgs Boson

Look, you need to see a doctor.

 

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