35% of children in Malawi don’t even know what a hair-dryer is. 90% complain of unsatisfactory shine and bounce. So lose those shoes and spend October wearing Crocs! Tag your selfies #foamclogproblems to let everyone know the sacrifice you’re making for those little Africans or whatever.
Men. They’re just shit women! So make your voice heard against sexism and enjoy 30 consecutive days of not speaking to men. Speaking about men is permitted and encouraged, especially if emphasising how awful they are.
Think having smallpox is tough? Then maybe you should carry a 3.6 metre carbon-fibre Olympic oar around with you for 3 months. If your Facebook friends need to know one thing this autumn, it’s that you know the physical and social struggle of having a disease that over 7 billion people worldwide haven’t contracted since 1977. Be oar-some. Be Oartumn™.
9 in 10 dolphins that swallow an illegally-discarded microwave will die within 3 days. We believe this is unacceptable. Show you respect the dolphins by disrespecting your partner every day this month. Each time you cheat is not only lots of fun, but also saves the equivalent of 3000 tins of tuna.
98% of all people alive today will die. If you’re reading this, chances are you will too. This Deadcember™, make yourself seem like a great person by broadcasting just how passionate you are about the ultimate terminal illness: “death”. This November 30th, simply fake your own death and spend the next month dead. Extra points for faux funerals.
Some babies are ugly. Some babies are sick. Some babies are so ugly they’re sickening. Can you go a whole month refusing to draw or interpret any Venn diagrams?
13 in 170% of statistics don’t make sense. Stop that for good by dedicating the middle two weeks of September to building a train network across an oppressed tropical country.
Face it, your life is terrible and you’re never going to be happy or remembered. Cry every day for a month.
Steal an egg from a wild bird’s nest and incubate it inside yourself (you choose the hole) between the 19th and 23rd of September. Doesn’t matter why, what or who for. Just do it and tell people. You’re a saint.