1. Have A Baby
Congratulations! After 9 months of telling everyone about it, you’ve finally become an arsehole. Sure, I’d love to see a picture of your baby sitting in a cooking pot. Yeah, and one of your baby wearing a new hat. And look, a different hat! I hate you.
2. Start Training For A Marathon
What’s more gruelling than a marathon? Me having to hear about your training for the next 3 months. I will sponsor you, but I do hate you.
3. Write Something Political
Whether I agree with what you’re saying is immaterial. I hate you and will never stop from this day forward. I hate you so much.
1 photo of your holiday is enough to make me envious. 87 photos a day “not a bad view to wake up to” for the next 6 months is too much. Don’t fall off that moped now. I hate you.
5. Invite All Of Your Friends To An Event
So you’ve opened a coffee shop in Barnsley? That’s interesting because I’ve been living in London for the last 9 years, you arsehole. I’m not coming and I hate you. I hope someone gets scalded.
6. Invite Me To A Game
I hate you. Why? Because you’ve just bought 13 Crystal Cows for your imaginary Gem Farm. If you are just hanging about waiting to die, please do it quietly.
7. Share Anything About The Old Days Being Better
Wasn’t it great when chocolate bars were bigger? Remember when we didn’t have to wear bike helmets? It’s health and safety gone mad! Didn’t work out so well with asbestos, though, did it, you arsehole? What hasn’t changed since the 90s is how much I hate you.
8. Post An Attention Seeking Status
“OMG…worst day ever!!!” Well, I have bad news for you: you’re an arsehole and I hate you. I genuinely hope I’ve made your day worse. Crying emoji.
9. Share An Inspirational Quote And Picture
I hate you so much I am being sick. A huge, glistening waterfall of sick with big white writing in it.
10. Post A Picture Of Some Food
You bought it. You ate it. It was for you. You also took a picture of it because you’re a massive arsehole. I hate you.
11. Put Up A Post About How To Get People To Unfollow You On Facebook
I hate you.
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Let’s face it – Disney movies aren’t just for idiot children. They’re also for pathetic adults who refuse to grow up, people who appreciate racist stereotypes and perverts who like oddly sexy animals.
But if you know where to look, you’ll find that erotic deer are just the tip of a dirty iceberg. It turns out those Disney artists had some very inappropriate messages they wanted to share. Here are the best 6!
1. The Lion King
When Mufasa is teaching Simba about life and death on the clifftop, look up at the sky. The twinkling stars very clearly spell out ‘SEND NUDES’.
2. Beauty And The Beast
Gaston is perhaps the Disney character most likely to fly into a steroid rage and batter his own parents to death. But in this scene, he’s not the only one who’s on the gear. The deer on the wall behind him can clearly be seen smoking a seriously dank reefer.
You may have seen this one before – yes, the little wooden boy has ‘COCK’ written on his shoes. But if you lean a little closer, you’ll see that Pinocchio is in fact talking to Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback.
4. Robin Hood
As Robin and Marian ride off into the happily ever after, it’s alarmingly clear their love for each other is built on a shared belief that 9/11 was an inside job.
Pokey-honters is singing about love or loneliness or race relations in the woods. But what’s that in the distance? That’s right, it’s the then Pope, John Paul II, taking a shit.
And finally, when Genie has just finished singing Friend Like Me to Aladdin, some neon lights pop up very briefly behind him. And yes, they say ‘BREXIT’.
So there you have it, that’s the top 6. Have you found any more? Why not waste what’s left of your terrible life and send them in?
Remember those things you used to like from ages ago? Well you won’t BELIEVE what the people that did them are up to now! This week, it’s the amazing cast of The Wizard of Oz.
Where Are They Now?
Judy Garland – Dorothy
Ray Bolger – Scarecrow
Bert Lahr – Lion
Jack Haley – Tin Man
Margaret Hamilton – The Wicked Witch of the West
- Noel Langley, Florence Ryerson and Edgar Allan Woolf, who wrote the screenplay, are all dead.
- Toto the dog was played by 4 different dogs during production. All of those dogs are dead.
- Jerry Maren is the only Munchkin still alive. But he will die soon.
1: PLOD TURDMAN
2: MR ADULT POND
3: LORD DAMPNUT
4: TORN PLUM DAD
5: OLD DUMP-RANT
6: GROPEY MCNOTAX
Sometimes when I’m low, I think about buying a chaise-longue. But…well. Well I never actually have. And that’s one of the truest truths there is. [GQ, 2009]
What you need to understand about chairs, man, is that they stop your ass from touching the Earth. My ass is the Earth. You all live on my ass. My Earth-ass. MY. EARTH. ASS. [Ellen, 2016]
Reupholstering should be a crime. If it ain’t threadbare, it ain’t real. Hell, my threads are so bare I’m realer than Jesus and peanut butter. Period. [Upholstering and Upholstery Monthly, 2012]
A cushion is just a cloud that’s lazy as shit. [On stage at Burning Man, 2014]
When I’m on stage I become an Ottoman. Not a Turk – I mean I become an ornate couch. With hella-cool buttons and shit. Opulent patterning. The audience think they’re sitting on me. But I’m a gas, vibrating in the astral plane. A meta-couch. [WTF with Marc Maron, 2009]
Taylor Swift has good taste in footstools. [Twitter, 2015]
150% of the time, I’m thinking about God or armchairs. 200% of the time, God is an armchair. 400% of the time, I’m making cripples walk again. 500? That’s a stupid number. [Loose Women, 2011]
I am the single greatest beanbag in the history of the world. [Fader, 2008]
Open your curtains. I’m there. I’m an owl at your window. The thing is, even when the curtains ain’t open, I still see you. I’m an owl with hyper-eyes. You can’t argue with that. No, sir. [On stage at Grammy Awards, 2009]
I’m jealous of moths. They get to eat blankets. I’d eat twenty blankets a day if I could. And I could, for sure. I have a tremendous appetite. I once ate a shoe. [Springwatch, 2014]
Bath towels, bedspreads, bedding, blinds. The four Bs. This is Illuminati level mind-whack. Look up and you will become the future. Dogs. [John Lewis employee intranet, 2013]
When I think about soft-furnishings I commit to it with every milligram of my soul. I’m driven. I’m gifted. You can’t be a half-assed rube when it comes to shit like this. This is life or death. Brian Eno. [Kanye by Kanye by Kanye: The Autobiography by Kanye, 2016]
Yo take your shoes off before you walk on that rug, Jeremy. [Lyrics to “Slavery or Something”, 2012]